THE QUALITIES OF A GODLY MATE (adapted from www.bible.org)

Main Text:
Proverbs 31:10-31

Key Text:
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” (Proverbs 31: 30)

I. Why is it important to look out for good qualities of a spouse/mate?

A spouse is for life, so we need to be prudent in choosing. If we choose wrongly, Bible offers no promise of an easy life or a quick cure. The assumption is that the person must live with his or her mistake in marriage. Divorce is never mentioned as the solution for a foolish decision concerning a mate. Thus, the decision for one’s mate must be considered carefully, since the consequence is both painful and permanent.

This study is to encourage those who have not yet married to make your choice carefully and on the basis of character. It must be remembered as we consider the character traits of a godly mate that godliness can only be found in a maturing believer. Although an unbeliever and an immature Christian may exhibit some of these characteristics, in the final analysis, he cannot be considered as a godly individual and therefore the single person must avoid him or her as a life partner.

II. What qualities are the most important to look out for?

While beauty is attractive and personality draws us, the most important quality we should look out for are character traits. Proverbs 31:10 teaches us that ‘Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.’ The emphasis is on the character and not looks or personality.

Thus as we look at who can be our lifelong mates, we should look at the character traits and not beauty or personality. I believe many Christians are more concerned about their personality than their character. Worse yet, some have tended to confuse or equate the two. Some women tend to think that the ideal husband and spiritual leader is the one with the “salesman-type” personality–he is outgoing, aggressive, and assertive. Some women who are married to men who have a less aggressive nature are tempted to look down on their husbands because they are not domineering enough. (They should talk to some of the women who have the assertive husbands.) Some men think that the ideal “submissive” wife is the woman who is shy and passive. In both cases, personality has been confused with character. God is not nearly as concerned with our personality as He is with our character. Aggressive men are not necessarily better leaders, and certainly they may not be more godly leaders, nor are passive women necessarily more submissive.
So what then are the character qualities we should look out for?

III. What are the character qualities of a godly wife?

1. A GODLY WIFE IS GODLY.

Godliness begins with a proper relationship to God. A godly wife is, first and foremost, a woman who fears God. In contrast, the woman to avoid is the one who does not know or fear God. She is sometimes referred to as a “strange woman,” that is a foreigner, one who has no knowledge of the God of Israel (cf. 2:25; 5:3,20; 7:5). She is actively evil and has no grasp of the way of the Lord.

While perhaps not synonymous with a fear of God, the godly wife is referred to as virtuous or excellent (12:4; 31:10). This seems to describe the moral excellence of the godly wife, a result of her godliness.

2. A GODLY WIFE IS WISE.

You will recall that wisdom is personified as a woman in the Book of Proverbs (cf. 1:20-33; 8:1-36; 9:1-6). So also the ideal wife is characterized as a woman of wisdom.

3. A GODLY WIFE HONORS HER HUSBAND.

A man who has married a godly wife has a wife who will bring honor to him. She is truly a helper to her husband.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack, of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life (31:11-12).

An ungodly wife humiliates and harasses her husband. She is not a helper but a hindrance to her mate. She is “as rottenness in his bones” (12:4). By her haranguing, she makes him miserable:

4. A GODLY WIFE IS GRACIOUS.

One reason honor is given the godly woman is that she is known for her graciousness.

A gracious woman attains honor, And violent men attain riches (11:16).

The ungodly woman is spoken of in very unbecoming terms. She is vexing, due to her contentious nature:

It is better to live in a corner of a roof, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman (21:9; cf. 25:24).

It is better to live in a desert land, Than with a contentious and vexing woman (21:19).

5. A GODLY WIFE IS FAITHFUL TO HER HUSBAND.

This is most clearly shown by contrast with the woman of folly who is an adulteress.

“Come, let us drink our fill of love until morning; Let us delight ourselves with caresses For the man is not at home. . . ” (7:18-19).

While it is not stated explicitly, it is implied and assumed that a godly wife is one who maintains sexual purity. She is a woman who is virtuous or excellent (31:10), in whom her husband has complete trust (31:11). She does her husband only good and not evil (31:12).She teaches her son the virtues of sexual purity (31:3). Certainly she is a woman of sexual purity.

IV. What are the character qualities of a godly husband?

Initially it seemed that Proverbs had little to say to the woman who sought to discern the qualities of a godly husband. I have come to see that this is not at all the case. In general, we can say that a woman should seek a man who is wise. Since we have already studied the characteristics of the wise, we will only summarize them here.

1. A wise husband is kind and compassionate (12:10).

2. A wise husband is honest (29:24).

3. A wise husband is hard-working (12:11; 27:23-27).

4. A wise husband is truthful (12:17,19).

5. A wise husband exercises self-control (12:15; 16:32).

6. A wise husband has a gentle tongue (12:18; 15:1-2,4).

7. A wise husband is generous (14:21; 28:27).

8. A wise husband is willing to be corrected (even by his wife) and listens to counsel (12:15; 15:12,31-32; 28:13; 29:1).

9. A wise husband is a man of integrity (19:1; 20:7).

10. A wise husband is faithful and reliable (17:17; 29:3; contrast 25:19; 31:3).

11. A wise husband is forgiving (19:11).

12. A wise husband is willing to admit he is wrong (28:13).

13. A wise husband is humble (15:25,33; 16:18-19; 18:12; 29:23).

14. A wise husband is not contentious, but a peacemaker (17:1; 18:1,19).

15. A wise husband has control of his temper (14:29; 16:32; 17:27; 29:11).

16. A wise husband is a man who avoids excesses (20:1; 23:20-21, 29-35; 31:3-9).

17. A wise husband has a concern for others, especially the poor and the oppressed (29:7).

18. A wise husband can keep a confidence (17:9; 26:20).

19. A wise husband fears God and is obedient to His Word (13:13; 14:26; 16:20; 28:25; 31:30).

20. A wise husband is not a jealous man (27:4).

21. A The wise husband has a positive outlook on life (15:15; 17:22; 18:14).

V. How can I start now?

Obviously you are very young now, and I strongly encouraged you to not dive into dating relationships, but start from developing good friendships. And actually from friendship you can look out for traits that actually very much relates to a mate. Also, if my mate is not my friend, who is he or she ? From here I will share some qualities of a good friend.

1. A GOOD FRIEND IS FAITHFUL.
Fair weather friends are numerous, and Proverbs mentions these (cf. 14:20; 19:4,6,7). But a true friend is a person who is still there even when the going gets tough.

2. A GOOD FRIEND REBUKES US WHEN NECESSARY.
There are things which may need to be said to a friend that are not easy to say. A true friend is the one who is honest enough to tell us what we need to hear, rather than to flatter us.Sometimes the kindest thing a wife can do for her husband is to tell him that his idea is absolutely ridiculous–in a gracious way, of course.

3. A GOOD FRIEND IS THOUGHTFUL AND TACTFUL.
A good friend is sensitive to our needs and speaks in such a way that we are encouraged and enriched. His sensitivity is demonstrated in his understanding that gaiety and goodwill is not always appropriate nor appreciated. “It matters not only ‘what’ we say, but ‘how,’ ‘when’ and ‘why’ we say it.”34

4. A GOOD FRIEND SHARPENS US.
Not only do we need to be criticized when necessary, but sometimes we need to be probed or stretched in our thinking. A good friend does not allow us to become intellectually stagnant, but prods us on to higher and greater thoughts.

Isn’t this true to life? Don’t you seek to develop friendships with those who will challenge your thinking and present you with new avenues of thought? Why should one of these friends not be your mate?

5. A GOOD FRIEND OFFERS US WISE COUNSEL.
Those whom we choose as friends should be marked by wisdom and thus have godly counsel to offer.

Closing words:
Choose wisely your mate. Be willing to wait for the godly mate and not rush into relationships. Often relationships that are rushed into rashly face many difficulties because the 2 persons do not know each other and after a while, the façade melts away. Build healthy and good friendships with both genders because this is a good time to spend discovering your likes and interest. Also, take this time to become that godly person for your future spouse or mate.

Let us pray. God, I ask that you will give me the perseverance to wait for a godly mate. I confess that often my heart wanders and I want to rush into relationships. Help me to first become the godly person then look for godly mates. Help me not to be easily deceived by charm and beauty, which are deceptive and fleeting, but to love you and obey you in every way. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.